Saturday, 13 April 2013

Kevin Hammond - #DFQWBS Entry

The Dark Fairy Queen
Kevin Hammond

Pretty little sunlit spears of happiness and joy poked through those thick boughs overhead. Good Prince Michael and Saucy Princess Carline stood but ten feet apart in the Everlasting forest. At their backs were the two trees symbolizing forever. Their branches reached but not quite touching and each had a heart carved at the base of the trunk; from long ago when lovers met.

“As my wedding gift to you I shall buy a boat.”

Carline blushed

“A huge boat,” Michael enthused.

“It’s not the size of the boat that matters, my love, it’s the motion of the ocean.”

Michael blushed.

“But I have a favor I must ask of you before you can propose.” Michael stood tall and proud, ready to slay dragons and order pizza- whatever she asked for. “I need you to rescue my sister from the castle of dark fairy doom.”

“It shall be done!” He cried and drew his sword. Michel dashed off through the forest toward that distant place where the darkness dwelled.

Long through the night Michael wandered the gloomy woods with naught but his sword and his will to marry the hot chick who was most virtuous and supposedly knew the thirty ways to cook great bacon.

In the grey hours of morning he came to the edge of the woods to happen upon a castle, dark as night, foreboding as, well, a big creepy looking place in a bad hood. Michael was not deterred for he knew love most strong. Pressing on to the front gate he drew his sword and called to the keeper of the castle to come forth and open the gates.

No one came and the sign on the door read ‘if you aint got a key you aint getting in’.  Michael would not be stopped. He kicked the door in. It was old and rusty and he did so love giving an old door a good kick. Inside the place was grimy and cool; it was unkempt and spoke of the rising cost of household cleaners these days.

On the greatest stair of 1000 spiral steps he labored long and hard until he came to the top and he knocked upon the unfortunate maiden’s chamber door. He would be summoned by a graceful, demure voice who would offer him her virtue, but he would not have it for his word was good and his love was true.

No one answered- he went in anyway. And she stood elegant and full of grace in the center of the room. 

“S’up homeslice,” she said.

And he was confused by her dark, but oddball manner. She knew he was confused and she offered him a dark and sinister laugh’ Mooghoohahaha. With a wave of her hand she ninja’d him with a blinding haze of dark fairy powder and he was, like, totally owned.

In the early hours of the following morning, Carline waited for her beloved. She had with her a token of her love; a small wooden box containing a feather and some bounty- t’was truly the stronger soaker upper. Her virtue would remain so it didn’t count, obviously. And she heard his footsteps draw close. Carline turned, happy to see her one true love return. But he was not there. In his place was a dark fairy mistress of the night, she was tall and foreboding, powerful and pretty.

“S’up sis, what you doing?” The Goth fairy asked.

“Not much, just chillin- et toi?” She asked in perfectly saucy French.

“Just waiting for your man to show.” The Goth said, all creepy and ominous.

“Umm. Where would he be?”

The Goth chick wanted her to ask that. “He’s Be-hind you!”

And Saucy Princess Carline awoke within the grimy walls of the lonely castle to read a dark and sinister note from her Gothic fairy queen Anna- “thanks for the man, biyotch.”
So all the best to the happy couple- let their lives be nothing like this story.
eBook - Yes



  1. LOL! Loved the story! Thanks for the laugh! :)

  2. omg Kevin, I honestly couldn't stop laughing out loud..not the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean , s'up homeslice - brilliantly witty. I LOVED this!

  3. Lol! Best line: “S’up homeslice,” she said.

    Love this! Great work Kev!

  4. ROFLMAO, I love this! Great job!

    I loved this line best "his will to marry the hot chick who was most virtuous and supposedly knew the thirty ways to cook great bacon"

  5. Lol... Good job...x

  6. This is hilarious. The line about cooking bacon was great!

  7. Haha, awesome!

  8. My hat is off to you, sir! This is a very baconful story! Genius!

  9. Nice! Great working in of the evil-Anna laugh ;-)

  10. That is amazing, great narrative...and made me guffaw with laughter!

  11. Bwahahaha
    Totally agree with Anna Howard, the evil-laughter is perfection! Such a fun piece!

  12. Love the mix of the modern and traditional in this extremely witty tale. I think 30 ways to cook bacon should be a new vow! xx